OK, you asked for it…OK, you probably didn’t ask for it but here it is anyway, the Kid’s 2015 Mock Draft! Get ready for the most in depth analysis of the NHL Draft’s top talent. Everything you need to know about the draft is here. Read this and prepare to drop some knowledge on your unsuspecting friends and relatives.
Mock draft? More like ROCK Draft.
1. Edmonton Oilers
Selection: Connor Mc something… Daniel maybe… Yes, Connor McDaniel
2014-15 stats: Goals and stuff.
This guy is the second coming of the Great One… Phil Kessel.
2. Buffalo Sabres
Selection: Jack Eichel, Center, Boston University (NCAA)
2014-15 stats: scored 1200 on his SAT
Little known fact: Jack Eichel shares his name with the famed tower in Paris. The Eichel Tower.
3. Arizona Coyotes
Selection: Ronda Pearson
2014-15 stats: 1 tasering, 1 epic rant
The Coyotes will draft Ronda Pearson, the lady that told off Glendale Mayor Jerry Weiers. By doing so, the Yotes will definitely shore up their blue line and will finally acquire that enforcer they desperately need.
4. Toronto Maple Leafs
Selection: No one
2014-15 stats: None
Toronto will not be selecting anyone in the 2015 NHL Draft as they totally forgot what day the event started.
5. Carolina Hurricanes
Selection: Who cares, it’s the Hurricanes
2014-15 stats: ?
Most of us will be in the bathroom at this point in the draft and will miss this pick.
6. New Jersey Devils
Selection: Martin Brodeur
2014-15 stats: 100,000 gp
They just can’t let it go.
7. Philadelphia Flyers
Selection: Connor McDavid
2014-15 stats: 56 GP, 29 goals, 22 assists, 51 points
The Flyers will not have paid attention to any of the previous picks and attempt to draft Connor Mcdavid at the 7th spot. Hope somebody is writing all of these picks down.
8. Columbus Blue Jackets
Selection: Ivan Provorov, Defenseman, Brandon Wheat Kings (WHL)
2014-15 stats: 60 GP, 15 goals, 46 assists, 61 points
Since the Columbus Blue Jackets have several young options up front such as Marko Dano, Alexander Wennberg, Sonny Milano, Oliver Bjorkstrand, Ryan Johansen, Boone Jenner, and Kerby Rychel, they’ll look to solidify their back-end by selecting Wheat Kings standout Ivan Provorov 8th overall. I give Provorov the edge over Zach Werenski due to his higher offensive upside and he’ll fill a hole for the Blue Jackets while also being the best player available at the 8th position.
(I totally copied this from Brett Markowitz. Let’s see if he notices #yayplagiarism)
9. San Jose Sharks
Selection: Dion Warwick
2014-15 stats: 35 GP, 9 goals, 16 assists, 25 points
The Sharks are in need of knowing the way to San Jose. Dion Warwick can help them get there. (if you are under 30 you might need to google Dion Warwick to get this joke).
10. Colorado Avalanche
Selection: Not a goalie
Coach Patrick Roy (pronounced Roy) has decided to pull his goalie from the beginning of the first period to get that extra attacker and gain the advantage. The Avs will never again use a goalie and therefore never draft another one. If that isn’t thinking outside the box.
11. Florida Panthers
Selection: Joe “The Kid” Shafer
2014-15 stats: 67 GP, like 900 goals, 2 assists
The Panthers, having seen this top tier talent skate at the Ice Den, will throw caution to the wind and draft him 11th overall. It’s a risky pick as Joe is unable to skate backwards, but the upside is undoubtedly huge. Slam dunk for GM Dale Tallon.
12. Dallas Stars
Selection: Walker Texas Ranger
2014-15 stats: 61 GP, 15 round house kicks, 1 total gym
The Stars will be taking Chuck Norris. Does this really need an explanation?
13. Los Angeles Kings
Selection: Stannis Baratheon from Game of Thrones
2014-15 stats: 55 GP
The Kings are shallow on the left-wing, and will be selecting the one true King, First of his name, King of the Andals and the First Men… never mind he was just killed at the Red Draft.
14. Boston Bruins
Selection: Whatever player is left that is the biggest A$*hole
2014-15 stats: Depends on the player
The Bruins won’t fail to disappoint and draft the largest A-hole they can find to skate along side all the other A-holes they have drafted previously.
In conclusion, I’ve met my contractual word count and I’m tired and don’t want to do this anymore so forget about the remaining teams because nobody really cares. Don’t forget to follow Cats on the Prowl during the draft for up to the minute coverage, exclusive vlogs, and other fun stuff. On to the Draft!